She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
