You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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