a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
