My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
