If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
