Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
