Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
