something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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