I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
