Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
