What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
