Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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