remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
...so i touched it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
