The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
