Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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