We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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