the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
