All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
