how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
