Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
