I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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