I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
dude. I can hear the air.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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