He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
