Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
