My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
