your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
