call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
