Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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