Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
