We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
