She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
