hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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