i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
