I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
