Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
