All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
