when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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