At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You can't motorboat a personality
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
