I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
