My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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