apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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