I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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