Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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