Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
