i jhust puked up my retainher.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
