When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
