apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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