just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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