i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
