So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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