yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
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