ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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