I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
